I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
