Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
