dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
