I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
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We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
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