It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
