I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
