If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
