i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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