we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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