So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
