Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
