I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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