you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm always down for nudity.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
