I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
