How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
