I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
