my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
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After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
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Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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