Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
