Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
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The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
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I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize