and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
