Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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