Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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