This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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