so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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