I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
