I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My life is pants optional.
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