I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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