U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
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It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
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I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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