Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
