i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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