just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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