When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
