I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
