I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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