it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
