The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
