This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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