Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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