come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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