I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
