next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
