he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
