Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
