i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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