the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
