I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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