Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
