Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
