He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
