she was so not down for the gang bang
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
