I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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