I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
