he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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