I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
