Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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