your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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