omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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