my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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