Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
