The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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