drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
